What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 02:10
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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I could never make a relationship work though!
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
I never cut or harmed myself..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I think the readers, may guess!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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And i lived it daily.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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So whats the point in blame.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What did i know ?
I was very sick at this time too.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But it wasn’t much.
What are some things you do for your form of self-care?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
What is it like to be a Christian in Iran?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It was going to be , some day.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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So, i spoilt her more .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She was in good health!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ive learnt so much.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We were not on the streets..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I said to her
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im still living with it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I have no regrets .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Would this be the day?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But, we were locked up after school.
She wouldn,t have been !
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
(And it was in our own minds.)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
This is soul school!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She married twice! .
She loved him until the end.
I was scared of men, in general
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I write beautiful poetry .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was 9 years of age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Comes on , in middle age.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Who then, do I blame.?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I will be 64.
When she asked me how she looked .
I don,t even have a pension.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My life is so biszare .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot live in the past .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
All the time i was locked up.
My family never makes their pension either.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We all went to grammer schools
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I waited trembling.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He knew the spot.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was seconnd youngest,
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why did i forgive my father ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I couldn’t, believe it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Put me off passion for life!!